I'm sitting (virtually) across from my therapist the other day and I'm telling her that I had some unexpected and triggering flashbacks of my Dad in his dying process. She asked me if I wanted to share more and I burst into tears. As I'm wiping away globs of mascara with my "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" napkin, I'm saying things like "I thought I was healing," "I thought I was doing better than this."
Fast forward to this morning, as I'm sitting in my brief morning meditation (done with the express purpose of helping me to NOT struggle), it came to me like an adorable Halloween bat out of H-E-Double Hockey Sticks: Experiencing struggle does not mean that you're not healing. Somewhere along the way I got it into my mind that the panacea for life strife was just doing all of the right "stuff": exercise, eating my green veggies, meditation, sitting with the gods on an uncomfortably crumbly mountain top for three weeks in the rain.... If I just did "ALL" of those things simultaneously ALL the time, it would lead me to that beautiful garden where I am suddenly existing in perfection: devoid of all my character defects, boo-boos and any other unpleasant baggage I arrived with. I envisioned myself flawlessly handling bouts of grief, physical pain, work stress and heavy traffic without so much as batting a perfectly sculpted eyelash - all because I did all the right things, all the time. I have been repeatedly let down and frustrated with myself for not arriving at that place. For not being perfect at my healing. Please let me warn you, if you have been seeking out that garden too (because the media sets us up to believe that there is, in fact, a garden if you work hard enough), you may want to hit the pause button and see what the impact of striving for that is doing to you. It's a set up. Why? Because life is FULL of struggle and simply cannot be avoided. People and animals we love will die, illnesses and injuries happen, bad grades, break-ups, having to file your taxes while you have a leak in your roof - things. just. happen. If we believe that grappling with the hard stuff (or even the not as hard stuff) is somehow a sign that we haven't done enough to prepare or take care of ourselves and that we just can't seem to "get off the struggle bus" - guess what, the bus is carrying ALL of us, a lot of the time and it doesn't mean you aren't a mentally well person, it doesn't mean you aren't resilient, it doesn't mean you aren't physically strong or healing - it just means you're living a human experience. One of my favorite humans in the wellness industry (Dr. Cassie Huckaby) talks about how healing isn't pretty - it can be downright ugly - like a scab - but that it is constantly happening. If we believe that being whole and healed means we are always sparkly and thriving, I think we may somehow be missing the point of being alive. We cannot live 100% in the thrive. We can try, but I think we'll be let down.
If you, too, have equated struggle with this feeling of not being "healed" despite your best efforts, please wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a nice squeezie hug and know that you are doing a fabulous job at living!
Let me add this PSA just so there's no confusion. We absolutely should reflect on what steps we are taking to work on our mental, physical and emotional health. Struggle can and will be worse if we aren't doing sh*t to help ourselves. ****There may be times or life circumstances that get in the way of this (because having the ability or access to focus on self-care is a privilege): busy work schedules, single parenting, grief, chronic illness, running on fumes, financial strain or just being in the throes of burnout without one extra spoon to spare - these things absolutely make it challenging or nearly impossible to do anything beyond exist sometimes. If you're in that place or space, please be gentle with yourself and seek support wherever you can.
So, what can having some solid self-care practices do?
Can build resiliency and this is super important. We need to believe that we can handle hard things (our kids need to know this too).
It can help you go the distance during particularly tough times (whether that distance is physical or mental or both)
Gives you a feeling of empowerment that you can get the best possible seat (the window seat with the extra leg room) on the struggle bus and ride it out baby! You don't need to fear the hard stuff as much if you have these self-care cushions in place to support you.
Something to hold on to (predictable routines, structure, knowing that our healthy habits are there to give us a bit of an edge)
What it can't do?
Prevent someone you love from dying or prevent you from feeling the full impact of that loss
Prevent you from injuries, illness or death
Prevent you from having bills to pay, dramas with family or friends, laundry to do or work stress
Prevent you from having the full human experience which includes hard days, tough emotions, crying spells, sadness, worry and otherwise yucky things that we would rather never have to deal with
Go for it and do the things that make you feel better each day! But please keep your expectations in check when you find that you're having a rough go - and know that it does not mean that you aren't healing (consider how the struggle can actually be part of that process!). You can do all the right things and still struggle.....and that's ok.....you're ok....you're doing just fine!
My Dad being a goofball on Disney's Magical Express (which is always the bus I prefer to be on thank you very much!). If it helps, when you're on your own struggle bus, try to imagine that you have fellow passengers - maybe it's loved ones who have passed away. It can help to visualize not being on that bus alone - it's more of a party bus with a disco ball!! Not as scary, right?
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